Ciao amici and welcome to the review of game week one of Euro 2021. It’s been a uhhhhhhhhhhhhh week. Prepare for a bit of a tonal shift part way through and I’ll make no apologies for that – for those who are unaware of why that may be, it will swiftly become apparent. But it’s been largely a successful start – not many dull games, a few real corkers and a couple of big names in jeopardy – so let’s get stuck in:
Group A
Italy 3 – 0 Turkey
What a way to start the tournament! 90 minutes that summed up the best and worst of tournament football. The Azzurri came at Turkey in waves for 45 minutes only to be stymied by an organised wall of red shirts. But as seasoned Trekkies will tell you, it’s only a matter of time before a red shirt takes one in the chest. Less than ten minutes after the restart, Domenico Berardi got around the back of the Turkish defence and whipped in a nasty cross. Merih Demiral copped it right to the sternum and the ricochet landed in the open net. 1-0 up, Italy did not quit, and Turkey were completely cooked. Ciro Immobile and Lorenzo Insigne rounded it off and Italy have served notice to the rest of the competition.
Switzerland 1 – 1 Wales
With the two group favourites having played ahead of this one, it was a chance for these two to lay a claim on second place. Instead, they made their shared limitations brutally clear on a roasting hot day in Baku. A goal each from set piece routines for Breel Embolo and Kieffer Moore pretty much wraps this one up – both teams look pretty mediocre outside a handful of bright sparks.
Next: Turkey can enhance their dark horse status further with a loss to plucky Wales while Switzerland roll up to face the Italian steamroller.
Group B
Demark 0 – 1 Finland
This is where the tone shift I promised up front arrives. To get the basic details out of the way first, credit to Finland for getting a good win in their first ever tournament appearance and I do hope they and their fans enjoy it.
Unfortunately, this match was overshadowed when Christian Eriksen of Denmark ran to receive a thrown-in on around 41 minutes and collapsed with what we later learned was a cardiac arrest. The referee and players reacted swiftly and the outstanding medical staff arrived on scene within seconds. I can say that it was frankly one of the most awful five minutes I’ve experienced – like most observers including fans in the ground my initial confusion escalated rapidly to horror as, despite the Danish players forming a human shield around their teammate, we could see Eriksen receiving emergency CPR including the use of a defibrillator for multiple minutes. Thanks to the phenomenal work of all previously mentioned parties, Eriksen was stabilised and whisked off to hospital where he is now recovering well.
This match should clearly have been cancelled or postponed until a much later date, but UEFA in their infinite wisdom and with clearly only the players best interests at heart insisted that the only possible options were to either restart the game an hour and forty-five minutes after the incident or to restart at 1200 the next day. UEFA have claimed that ‘the player’s need for 48 hours rest between matches eliminated other options’ because clearly it would be literally impossible to find any other time to finish a match.
UEFA have form for prioritising scheduling over player welfare – in April 2017 the Borussia Dortmund tour bus was attacked with roadside bombs on its way to a UEFA Champions League quarter-final match against Monaco. There were no casualties but several injuries. UEFA overrode Dortmund’s request to postpone the match by more than one (1) day after a literal bomb attack and forced them to play or forfeit – unsurprisingly Dortmund lost that match and ultimately the tie. (Sidenote, the background of the bombing itself is wild – it was one guy obsessed with shorting stock in Borussia Dortmund and literally killing their players with these bombs to crash the share price).
I know this has been a very long entry but hopefully it’s clear why; from here on we’ll be back to the standard, shorter and more light-hearted stuff.
Belgium 3 – 0 Russia
Belgium arrived in St Petersburg sans two of their three terrifying trident but the one still standing, Romelu Lukaku, ensured this didn’t slow them down. 10 minutes after the Russian crowd booed the Belgians for taking the knee to protest racism promote Marxist theory, the ball fell to Lukaku who swivelled instinctively and slammed it into the bottom corner. For the rest of the game he tormented the Russians – he was smarter, faster and more talented than everyone else on the pitch. His well deserved second sealed a comfortable win and Belgium shouldn’t drop from their top spot in this group now.
Next: Finland go to Russia aiming to maintain their 100% major tournament record while Belgium visit Denmark.
Group C
Austria 3 – 1 North Macedonia
For a solid hour, Austria were at risk of getting bogged down in the Balkans. Again. Ageless striker Goran Pandev had equalised from a defensive shemozzle reminiscent of Franz Ferdinand’s driving tour of Sarajevo and Austria huffed and puffed but could not blow North Macedonia down. But then, David Alaba, the clear star on the field took control. His cross was the kind of iron fist in a velvet glove that defined Klemens von Metternich’s diplomacy and Michael Gregoritsch converted. Marko Arnautovic rounded it off and Austria had their first ever win at a Euros.
Netherlands 3 – 2 Ukraine
Oh Yes. This is tournament football. There’s a type of match you get in summer tournaments where the heat, fatigue and lack of coherence align and everything goes delightfully batty. These two had played out a very entertaining but pretty standard 0-0 in the first half, but on 50 minutes, something switched and birds started flying backwards in the sky. Georginio Wijnaldum snaffled up a spill from the Ukrainian keeper minutes before Wout Weghorst followed up and Holland were two ahead and apparently cruising. Ukraine though could sense the mood, or were tipped off by the herds of sentient teapots cantering past the field, and Andriy Yarmolenko took advantage of the oscillating curves of space-time to find the top corner from 25 yards. It was on and Roman Yaremchuk pulled them level only 4 minutes later. But, with the entire stadium threatening to twirl itself into the air like a UFO sighted by a very serious American pilot, Holland scored with a centre-back crossing for a full-back to head in: a truly silly goal to cap a truly silly game. More of this please!
Next: Ukraine and North Macedonia go head to head in Bucharest while Austria have to play against an actually good team at home when they visit the Netherlands in Amsterdam.
Group D
England 1 – 0 Croatia
This threatened to be a replay of the semi-final from World Cup 2018. England started strong, pressing and harrying Croatia into mistakes but as Gareth’s brave boys wilted in the summer sun, the veteran Croat midfield took more and more control. So it fell to one of the few present who was unhaunted by those Russian memories to break the witches spell. The first Leeds United player to represent England since 1999, Kalvin Phillips had been a standout in the rather dull affair already, when he picked up the ball in the right channel. He burst past two tackles and slide a breathtakingly delicate ball through to Raheem Stirling. The ink may still have been drying on Sterling’s MBE but there was nothing damp about his finish which gave England the lead. And then… nothing happened? England saw a 1-0 lead out comfortably? I don’t think I’m quite sure how to narrativize this one but it’s definitely at least scanning travel plans for home.
Scotland 0 – 2 Czech Republic
Oh Scotland. 23 years after they last appeared at a major tournament, they offered a cruel example of a fundamental truth: football is a game where you can outplay your opponent and still lose comfortably. They were definitely the better team at Hamden Park but one set piece header and one utter worldy from almost 50 yards from Patrik Schick secured a win for the Czechs. Qualification will be tough now for Scotland but it would be deeply in character for both them and England (and deeply funny for all of us) if they were to scavenge an upset against the Poms on Friday.
Next: Yes, Friday is the big one, the grudge match between England and Scotland after the Czech Republic square off with Croatia, who are suddenly in some danger of disappearing without a trace.
Group E
Poland 1 – 2 Slovakia
Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding we got one! Yes a proper upset that we can actually appreciate in itself. Slovakia (sporting a very tasty blue and black patterned kit) showed no respect to Poland and their record breaking striker and opened the scoring from a Róbert Mak attack, though technically the ball hit the post, rebounded into diving keeper Wojciech Szczęsny and then dropped into the goal. Poland were rattled but a bracing half time slug of żubrówka saw them emerge with a żip in their step. From the half-time kickoff, they went straight up the field and some glorious one-touch passing ended with a cutback to Karol Linetty and the ball tucked into the corner. Grzegorz Krychowiak let the pep talk get to his head and a second yellow on 62 minutes saw him upgrade to a red card and an early bath. With all their momentum dissipated, Poland were on the back foot and when the ball dropped down to Milan Škriniar from a corner, he made no mistake with a swivel and shot that would make a centre-forward proud. They had to withstand a late barrage, but Slovakia held out to claim a vital three points.
Spain 0 – 0 Sweden
Oh No. This is tournament football. There’s a type of match you get in summer tournaments where the heat, fatigue and lack of coherence align and everything goes mind-numbingly dreary. Look I don’t want to go in two-footed on Spain – while it would be easy to say that this is exactly what everyone complains about with possession football and it was reminiscent of nothing more than their draw with Russia that saw them sent home from the World Cup 2018, that would be to ignore the context. Less than a week from tournament start, Spanish player Sergio Busquets tested positive for Covid-19 and Spain’s entire preparation was flipped over like a monopoly board on family holiday. Given that they did in fact manage to create several clear-cut chances, I’ll give them a pass here – though if they could swap their rather impotent striker Álvaro Morata for Sweden’s phenomenal Alexander Isak, they’d instantly become tournament favourites.
Next: Slovakia will revel in their big win in St Petersburg for a few days while they await Sweden’s arrival for the next match while Poland have to pick themselves up and get to sunny Seville to watch Spain play amongst themselves.
Group F
Hungary 0 – 3 Portugal
Dangnabbit. For 84 minutes it looked like Hungary might hold onto a huge result in the heaving Puskás Aréna. They even thought they might snatch an upset when Szabolcs Schön threaded a shot in at the near post only for it to be cruelly ruled out for the minor issue of him being about 10 metres offside. But as is so often the way, when Portugal couldn’t break Hungary down with the best efforts, they succeeded with their worst. Rafa Silva‘s cross was deflected into the path of Raphaël Guerreiro whose shot was deflected into the bottom corner with keeper Gualsci left flat-footed. From there, Hungary fell apart and who else but Cristiano Ronaldo cashed in with two late goals. At least he had the good grace to reject a few bottles of Coca-Cola in the pre-match presser leading to a massive share price drop for the energy drink manufacturer. Silver linings.
France 1 – 0 Germany
You know that feeling you get, when you’ve been eating home-made food for ages, and then you go out one night to a fancy restaurant and take that first bite and the almost full body experience of outstanding cooking completely reroutes about 50% of your brains neural connections? That’s kind of what this match was like. The other matches to this point had certainly been great fun with some very good teams playing some excellent football at times. This was a masterclass. While technically the only goal was an own goal from Mats Hummels, it came from a truly delightful lofted cross-ball from Paul Pogba which Lucas Hernandez whipped across the face of goal – Hummels left with no choice but to attempt to clear with disastrous results. Germany pressured France intensely through the second half, but France twice had the ball in the German net from counterattacks that were ruled out for offside. It might not have been flashy, but it was effective and underlines France’s status as tournament favourites.
Next: France make the trek to Hungary while Germany have to get something from Portugal to stay alive.
Conclusion
That brings us to the end of game week 1. So far, mostly as expected with the biggest shock results not really being that shocking; but with a few teams positioning themselves very well. Italy certainly look very good, England are off on the right foot and the Netherlands are a lot of fun; but France still appear imperious and untouchable – for now.
The It’s-coming-home-ometer rating: 7 painfully out of tune verses of God Save the Queen out of 10