Hej kompisar and welcome to the review of game week two of Euro 2021. Only one more set of group games to go and we get to the real quiz, but first we must bid farewell to eight of our brave contestants. As of now, only North Macedonia are confirmed to be heading home after the groups and Italy, Belgium and the Netherlands are the only guaranteed members of the Round of 16, so there’s jeopardy aplenty heading into this final set of group games.
Group A
Turkey 0 – 2 Wales
Ohohoho – cat, meet pigeons. I hoped to get more than three public blog posts in before fate forced me to flash fry and devour my previous words. “Pretty mediocre” was how I described Wales (and in fairness, Switzerland as well) while I said Turkey were so rated they couldn’t be called under-rated. So of course, Wales not only won here, they battered Turkey – Aaron Ramsey’s errant finishing and a Gareth Bale missed penalty (and both were outstanding in all other ways so I’m not really digging them out) lent the scoreline the façade of credibility. Wales are almost certainly through to the knockouts now, while Turkey need all the luck they can get.
Italy 3 – 0 Switzerland
This is Italy’s 10th European Championship and out of the previous nine they’ve once been champions and twice runners-up. Before this edition, they’d never scored more than two goals in any of their matches at the Euros. Now, they’ve done it twice in a row. This is not a vintage Italy team in any way which means it’s really fun – more Scipio Africanus than Quintus Fabius Maximus. Watch them while you can, which on form could be all the way through this tournament.
What’s next: Wales and Italy meet in Rome to decide the group winner while Turkey and Switzerland need to dust themselves off and slug it out for the chance to progress as a third-place finisher.
Group B
Finland 0 – 1 Russia
Four minutes into this, Finland had the ball in the back of the net and a proper fairytale was on the cards. Sadly, brutal reality (i.e. the offside line) intervened and Finland were forced to entrench themselves against wave after wave of Russian attacks. Weather conditions in St Petersburg were thankfully slightly milder than Finland in 1939-40 but it still threatened to be a grim scoreless draw until Aleksei Miranchuk summoned a moment of individual brilliance to give Russia their first points of the tournament.
Denmark 1 – 2 Belgium
The ‘B’ in Group B clearly stands for ‘Breaks hearts.’ After Russia brutally banished Finland’s resistance, a massive Copenhagen crowd turned out to cheer on their team and support the recovering Christian Eriksen. Denmark exploded out of the gates with Yusuf Poulson pouncing on a Belgian defensive catastrophe to score in the 4th minute and Belgium were on the back foot all half. Somehow only one goal down, Belgium hammered the ‘break glass in case of emergency’ on Keven de Bruyne – a cheat code second only to Lionel Messi in his prime. With a partner in crime to back him up in Romelu Lukaku, KDB set up Thorgen Hazard for a tap in, then struck home a vicious shot from 25 yards after some delectable one touch interplay from the Hazard brothers. Denmark could have equalised late but fell to a cruel defeat.
What’s next: Belgium are through in top spot already so face Finland with nothing to play for. Denmark need a big win in Russia to have any hope of getting to the knock-outs.
Group C
Ukraine 2 – 1 North Macedonia
So, it turns out the secret sauce in the madcap Ukraine-Netherlands game was just Ukraine. They kept their mask on in the first half by easing to a 2-0 half-time lead off the back of the goalscorers from the previous match – Andriy Yarmalenko and Roman Yaremchuk – but everything went sideways in the second half. North Macedonia earned a penalty which Ezgjan Alioski slotted on the rebound and could have conceded more, including a disallowed goal for offside. Ukraine won their own penalty but comically failed to convert it (continuing a theme where penalties so far this tournament seem to be more of a curse than an opportunity). Thankfully for them and sadly for North Macedonia, Ukraine clung on, which thanks to the head-to-head tiebreaker means that the plucky Balkan state will be heading home after their final group match.
Netherlands 2 – 0 Austria
Austria have some quality players but they cannot seem to cohere as a team. The Oranje pulled ahead early when they managed to overcome the odds to actually score a penalty and honestly never looked like conceding. Frenkie de Jong was imperious in midfield throughout and the second, for Denzel Dumfries, put a lid on proceedings with 20 minutes still to play. Austria are still likely to get out of this group but none of the remaining teams will fear them – which I suppose is a familiar feeling for Austria since roughly 1914.
What’s next: Austria and Ukraine meet with both wanting at least a point to lock-in qualification for the knock-outs while North Macedonia and the Netherlands play out an effective friendly.
Group D
Croatia 1 – 1 Czech Republic
I won’t sugarcoat this – Friday was a tough day to be a neutral fan. Only three goals in three games and two of them penalties. One penalty came here because it turns out you can’t just flail around with your arms and smack someone in the nose with your elbow. Croatia dug themselves out of elimination with a lovely equaliser but that was all this game offered.
England 0 – 0 Scotland
Which is more than you can say for this. Other than “ergh.” Or “yikes.” England spent 90 minutes slowly congealing in front of an increasingly irate Wembley crowd. Scotland came to defend and left intact. Given all the build-up, we shouldn’t really have been surprised it was a massive let-down.
What’s next: Hopefully some actual entertainment. Scotland and Croatia meet with both needing to win, so that could be fun. England and the Czech Republic might both secretly try to lose to avoid whoever finishes second from the Group of Death.
Group E
Sweden 1 – 0 Slovakia
The other Friday game was, if possible, even worse than the others. Emil Forsberg’s 77th minute penalty the only action of note. Could we try turning the Euros off and back on again?
Spain 1 – 1 Poland
Oh Spain. This is the curse of past success. Spain swept all before them from 2008-2012 playing highly effective, if quite staid, possession football, powered by a collection of some of the greatest midfielder maestros to ever grace the beautiful game. Now, much like Gondor at the tail-end of the Third Age, the Spanish national team is a collection of lesser men stifled under the weight of their mighty forebears’ legacy. Meanwhile, Poland basically lump it to Lewy and that was enough to earn a draw. Both teams are in danger of going home early and the real indictment of both is that it wouldn’t be that much of a surprise.
What’s next: Slovakia need only to draw against Spain to guarantee progression (and might do so with a loss anyway) while Sweden can confirm top place in the group by beating Poland.
Group F (the F stands for Death)
Hungary 1 – 1 France
Group. Of. Death. I told y’all not to sleep on Hungary! In truth, as we’ve seen plenty of in this round alone, ‘plucky underdog scrapes out a draw against big team’ is hardly a rarity in international football. France were also more unlucky than bad and if you have to concede to a team like Hungary, at least it was to Attila Fiola, surely one of the best names in the sport. But, it does raise the prospect of the world champions being forced to qualify through the ‘best of the third-place finishers’ clause which would really mess with the draw permutations. Hungary are probably going home after the next set of games but if they do, they’ll leave having hurled a Molotov under the wheels of the French war machine.
Portugal 2 – 4 Germany
GROUP. OF. DEATH. I want to write about 3,000 words about this match but I’ll settle for a double length summary. Germany battered Portugal for 60 minutes here but the Seleção took the lead with a lightning counter from a German attacking corner. Instead of settling in for a long period of backs-to-the-wall defending, Portugal completely forgot that Die Mannschaft were playing a wingback system and gave said wingbacks, Robin Gosens and Joshua Kimmich, oceans of space to be the architects of Germany’s resurgence. First, Gosens got to the byline and fizzed in a cross which Rúben Dias accidentally put into the roof of his own net. Four minutes later, Kimmich did the same in mirror image and it was Raphael Guerreiro’s turn to score an own goal. Germany were 2-1 up and all the goalscorers were Portuguese. The onslaught continued after half-time – first Gosens crossed for Kai Havertz to tap in then Kimmich landed a curler on Gosens head at the back post. That’s four goals in 15 minutes and the wingbacks at the centre of each one. Portugal pulled one back and could have had another when Renato Sanches’ piledriver nearly split the crossbar but they wouldn’t have deserved it. Germany have reignited their campaign in spectacular style and set up a very tantalising final round of group games.
What’s next: Germany host Hungary in Munich needing to get at least a point to lock in a Round of 16 berth. France play Portugal in a rematch of the 2016 final with Portugal at risk of getting an early plane home.
In summary
The action has been a mixed bag but we’re nearly out of the group stage and into the sudden death. If I had to pick a team who have surprised me, the Netherlands have been much better than I thought they’d be, while Wales certainly defied my snap judgement from last round. All things considered, it’s been a good tournament so far, so fingers crossed it keeps up the pace!
The It’s-coming-home-ometer rating: 4 rain-bedraggled St George’s Cross flags out of 10