Hej venner and welcome to the combined game week 3 review and round of 16 preview for Euro 2020! We’ve finally rid ourselves of the unserious teams and can get down to the real tournament football – 90-120 minutes or penalties are the only ways forward for our remaining contenders. But who got through, and how did it happen? That’s what I’m here for:
Group A
Switzerland 3 – 1 Turkey
The Swiss needed to win and for Wales to lose by a combined five goals to guarantee progression – Turkey needed to win big and hope. Instead, the boys from over the Bosporus were practically supine as Switzerland rolled over them like an alpine avalanche. Xherdan “Powercube” Shaqiri was the main culprit in the big win, and though results meant they couldn’t overhaul Wales for second, four points was more than enough for Switzerland to book their regular ticket to the Round of 16.
Italy 1 – 0 Wales
This match was hosted by an Italian team on a record-breaking 30-game unbeaten run and who hadn’t conceded a goal in 11. So we could forgive Wales for turning up aiming to lose by only a small amount. Instead, they took the game to Italy and were only behind due to a delightful set piece goal by Matteo Pessina, when Ethan Ampadu left a set of stud shaped indents on Federico Bernadeschi’s shin and saw a card the colour of the Welsh shirts. With news filtering in that Switzerland were overrunning Turkey, it created a nervy last half hour, but Wales held firm to finish second in a group that many, including yours truly, had assumed they’d be firmly bottom of.
Group B
Finland 0 – 2 Belgium
This sport is so so so cruel. Finland needed to at least draw against Belgium or lose by a goal and hope Denmark beat Russia by the same margin. And for 70 minutes tournament debutants Finland – tiny, plucky, gloriously dressed Finland – kept Belgium’s star-studded attack at bay. Keeper Lukáš Hrádecký was outstanding in goal and so, inevitably, Belgium’s breakthrough came when a Thomas Vermaelen header hit the post, ricocheted onto the blindsided Hrádecký’s hand and landed in the net. Finland were forced to chase an equaliser, so Romelu Lukaku added a second to send Belgium through top of the group.
Russia 1 – 4 Denmark
This sport is so so so beautiful. Denmark arrived here having lost to Finland on a terrible and traumatic afternoon and to Belgium despite outplaying them for most of the match. They needed to win big here and after Mikkel Damsgaard curled a glorious shot into the top corner, Russia gave them a helping hand by slamming the red button labelled “self-destruct”. An errant backpass found Yussuf Poulsen rather than the Russian keeper and he slotted into the empty net. The referee clearly felt that was unsportsmanlike and gave Russia a very soft penalty shortly after to make it 2-1 but Denmark would not be denied. Matvey Safonov made three amazing saves in quick succession and just when he thought he was safe, the ball rolled out to centre-back Andreas Christensen who hit it like his foot was Mjölnir – the ball describing a non-Newtonian, non-Euclidean path into the top of the net at approximately Mach 3. They added a fourth minutes later and the Copenhagen crowd were in raptures. Denmark had secured second place and Russia were on the plane home.
Group C
North Macedonia 0 – 3 Netherlands
This was a meaningless game so it was slightly ominous for everyone else that Holland swatted North Macedonia aside like Achilles against ‘Trojan warrior 3’. Memphis Depay scored one and set up two for Georginio Wijnaldum as the Netherlands top the group. North Macedonia can go home with some pride – they made both Austria and Ukraine dig deep to beat them and there’s no shame in getting a battering from the Dutch.
Ukraine 0 – 1 Austria
I really love this whole dynamic where I write my opinions on the internet for literally anyone to see and am immediately proven to be an uninformed ignoramus. Ukraine were my dark horses (because I had assumed Turkey were too good to count as dark horses…) and I’ve spent every word I’ve written about Austria to this point trashing them relentlessly. So Austria were excellent here and thoroughly outplayed a rather poor Ukraine; Austria qualify for the knockouts of the Euros for the first time ever but Ukraine did end up sneaking through as a third place qualifier – so technically they’re still dark horses!
Group D
England 1 – 0 Czech Republic
Are England controlled and efficient or stodgy and mediocre? All we know for sure about the Three Lions is that Raheem Sterling MBE will probably score and they’re unlikely to concede. Maybe that’ll be enough to take them all the way, just don’t expect them to entertain.
Scotland 1 – 3 Croatia
Oh Flower of Scotland, when will we see, your like again? Based on the historical pattern it’ll be at either the 2022 or the 2042 World Cup. They gave a valiant showing here but Croatia’s cunning collection of wily warriors were way too good. Compare and contrast John McGinn’s miss here to Luka Modrić’s glorious goal in the following highlight. No shame for the Scots but they stay home while Croatia are off to the knockouts.
Group E
Sweden 3 – 2 Poland
It took Sweden only 80 seconds to score past a hapless Poland whose plight went from bad to comical as the world’s best striker Robert Lewandowski managed to hit the bar twice in seconds, the second off the rebound of the first and the second rebound squirming through his legs. I’ve watched this about 20 times and I still can’t believe he didn’t score. After Sweden seemed to have put the match to bed with a second though, it was Lewandowski who dragged Poland kicking and screaming back into the match – first by beating two defenders and the goalie on his own and the second a masterpiece of movement for a tap-in. But with the Poles piling forward to find the winner they needed, Sweden strolled in through the open back door to seal their spot at the top of the group.
Spain 5 – 0 Slovakia
La Furia Roja had spend the best part of 180 minutes basically unable to buy a goal so far this Euros so when Martin Dúbravka saved Álvaro Morata’s penalty early on, it looked like another long hot day for Spain. But only ten minutes after those penalty heroics, Dúbravka inexplicably jumped for a high ball under no pressure at all and volleyball spiked it into his own net. I’ve genuinely not seen a more bemusing own goal in my life. Realising that it just might be their day after all, Spain promptly went nova, putting four more goals past the poor Slovaks. Spain are through but it’s unlikely they’ll get a more accommodating opponent for the rest of the tournament.
Group OF DEATH
France 2 – 2 Portugal
This was pretty fun. It was made more fun by the context, which was that for most of this match, Hungary were simultaneously ahead of Germany which meant that if Portugal lost, they would be out. They got a penalty to go ahead though which you either thought was soft if you were French (or German or Hungarian) or fair if you think goalkeepers shouldn’t get to double fist punch other players in the jaw. Potato, potahto. An actually soft penalty got France back into it, Kylian Mbappe falling over when trying to reach a Paul Pogba through ball, and Karim Benzema converted (at 45+1:44 in the first half). Benzema made it 2-1 to France (at 46:44 in the second half meaning he scored twice at 46:44 in the same game) but Portugal are too determined to go home early – a second penalty giving them the equaliser. France go through on top of the group and Portugal are one of the best third-place teams so they both stamped their passes for the round of 16.
Germany 2 – 2 Hungary
Typical group of death. You spend most of it delighting in the jeopardy the big teams are in, then when the dust is all settled, it turns out they all get to go through. Hungary scored early through a lovely Ádám Szalai goal, then when Kai Havertz equalised after an hour, András Schäfer put the Hungarians back in front seconds after the restart. Germany though were not about to go home in the group stages for the second major tournament in a row and after a brutal bombardment of Hungary’s penalty area, Leon Goretzka found half a yard to score an equaliser. Hungary spend the longest time ahead and the least time behind in this group but find themselves out – so much for the narrative.
Round of 16 preview
Wales – Denmark
Both sides would have been happy with this draw and it’s a tough one for the neutral – back the plucky Welsh to repeat their glory days of 2016 or stand behind the Danes doing it for their fallen hero? Either way, this should be a decent game – both sides are good enough to entertain while being flawed enough to make fun mistakes.
Italy – Austria
I’ve been bad-mouthing Austria all tournament and I’m not about to stop here. Italy are everything Italy should be – well dressed, suave and sophisticated while Austria are 10 decent football players and one superstar with no clear plan. It’s the Azzurri all the way by my reckoning.
Netherlands – Czech Republic
This will be attack vs defence as the Czechs look to soak up pressure and break through their star Patrik Schick. The Dutch should win this, but the Czech Republic are a threat – I wouldn’t necessarily cancel your plans for this one but it will be intriguing.
Belgium – Portugal
The other reason you shouldn’t cancel your plans for Netherlands-Czechs is that you absolutely should cancel your plans for this one. In theory, it should be Belgium’s attack against Portugal’s defence, but the Portuguese defence has been pretty suspect so far, so I’m backing this one to be a real pulse-raiser. Do not miss.
Croatia – Spain
The battle of the midfields – who is better at artfully passing the ball between 5-15 yards under pressure for 90 minutes. Spain lack cutting edge while Croatia are a bit of a mish-mash of a team with lots of quality but some real gaps. Hard to pick a winner but expect plenty of lovely missed chances.
France – Switzerland
Very hard to see Switzerland getting anything out of this. They were battered by Italy, and France are probably at least as good as Italy. That’s not to say that it’s impossible of course but if this is to be a typical round of 16 exit for the Swiss, they’ll at least be able to say they were done by the world champions.
England – Germany
Oh yes. Oh yes yes yes. This is narrative. This is pure content. If you’re English anyway, the Germans quite rightly aren’t entirely clear on why they’re supposed to have a rivalry with the poms – 1966 and 2018 are the only two tournaments in the last 60 years where England did better than (West) Germany so it’s very much an unrequited grudge. But England might be the better team here? Hard to say and I don’t think this will be a goalfest but I do think the banter will be excellent either way.
Sweden – Ukraine
Are Sweden good? A bit like in 2018, they’ve found themselves on the easier side of the draw and with a very winnable round of 16 match. Ukraine on the other hand have to pick themselves up after a difficult loss to Austria – the winner of this plays the winner of England-Germany but that doesn’t look as intimidating a prospect for either of these teams as it would have at any other time in the past 20 years.
Conclusion
Woof – thank goodness that’s over – no more 12 match reviews so we’ll be able to spend a little more time on each one from here. It’s knockout time so get yourself in front of a telly and watch at least one or two – Belgium-Portugal and England-Germany would be the obvious picks.
The It’s-coming-home-ometer rating: 6 nervously brewed pots of tea out of 10