Minasan, konnichiwa

We’re into it now! Everyone has played at least one game and due to what I can only describe as a perversion of good scheduling, at least a couple have now played twice but we’re ignoring those! Wait patiently for the next update please. So – what’s happened so far?

Group A

New Zealand 1 – 0 Norway

Oh my days. In the black corner, hosts New Zealand had been to five world cups previously where they had played 15 games with a record of 3 draws, 12 defeats. In the red corner, Norway had been to all nine world cups, played 40 games for 24 wins and one whole danged trophy. This isn’t so much a mismatch as a cruel joke. First time hosting a world cup? Just go out there and start against the third most successful nation of all time. No worries. And, from the kick-off whistle, the Football Ferns had no worries. They tore into Norway who resorted to cynical fouls to keep them at arms length. 0-0 at half time but from a goal kick early in the second term, New Zealand went from one end to the other in a sudden storm of fluid pass and move, cutting through the Norwegian defence like it was the most delicately churned farmhouse butter and putting the ball on a plate for Hannah Wilkinson to smash home. Bedlam. Pandemonium. And from then on, New Zealand dominated – feeling so comfortable that Ria Percival decided to trick shot a penalty off the crossbar rather than score, just to really flex on their more decorated opponents. The tournament is one day old and we already have a giant killing and one that is guaranteed to supercharge global attention. Up the Ferns!

Philippines 0 – 2 Switzerland

This is the kind of professional display we expected from Norway although the Malditas (yes, really) gave them an early fright when Katrina Guillou manifested behind their defensive line and lobbed the keeper – sadly the officials intervened with nonsense about “offside by seven clear metres” or some such. After that, it was one way traffic with Ramona Bachmann running the show and slotting home the stonewall penalty to put Switzerland ahead. A second from a delightful goalmouth scramble sealed the deal and my pre-tournament prediction for this group is looking better by the day. 

Group B

Australia 1 – 0 Ireland

As soon as news broke ahead of this game that Matildas’ talisman Sam Kerr was out for a few games with a calf injury, we were in for a tense night. Australia like to break into space so Ireland decided to assemble in a formation that was less 4-4-2 and more Roman Testudo, creating a proper Mexican stand-off. But then Hayley Raso’s second half foray into the Irish box was curtailed by a violent (fairly benign) assault (gentle push) from behind by Marissa Sheva. Steph Catley did what Ria Percival did not and rifled the penalty home. Not a Kerr in the world for the Aussies despite a couple of hairy defensive moments late on. . 

Canada 0 – 0 Nigeria

Listen, this is tournament football. Sometimes two teams play for 90 minutes and nothing happens. Ok, not nothing. Christine Sinclair found the pressure of scoring in her 6th consecutive world cup too much and fluffed a penalty; Asisat Oshoala had a shot cleared off the line; job done. The beautiful game. 

Group C

Spain 3 – 0 Costa Rica

“The scoreline doesn’t tell the whole story” is a cliche that is generally used to refer to a big but undeserved win – here it means that Costa Rica owe an eternal debt of gratitude to goalkeeper Daniela Solera for keeping them to a just about respectable three goal margin. It’s worth pointing out that the entire Spanish team are full time professionals compared to a single Costa Rican – the rest are part-time amateurs (in the literal sense of the term); but regardless, this game was sealed in an eight minute stretch where Solera clearly got so sick of picking the ball out of the back of her own net that she spontaneously self-generated the ability to manipulate the Matrix. Spain cruise onwards and Solera can look forward to two more games of taking bullets for the team. 

Zambia 0 – 5 Japan

Oh dear. I had high hopes for Zambia but Japan played them off the park with neat one-two pass and move. Hinata Miyazawa was the standout with two goals but Mina Tanaka had two goals and a penalty all ruled out for pretty close offsides so it could have been a lot worse for Zambia. Japan’s stock has risen dramatically and their game against Spain in this group is looking like a very tasty treat indeed. 

Group D

England 1 – 0 Haiti

This was hardly the mismatch some feared ahead of the game. England never looked comfortable as Haiti harried them mercilessly, haring up the field regularly on the break. England got an early penalty and though Kerly Theus saved Georgia Stanway’s first effort, she’d stepped off her line too early and Stanway’s retake was too good. Other than that, England had no really clear chances for the rest of the match and when Roseline Eloissaint broke free in the box with less than ten minutes to go, it looked like Haiti might take a thoroughly deserved point – but Mary Earps made a world-class save to get the Lionesses off to a winning start.

Denmark 1 – 0 China

This match-up always looked likely to decide who gets to go through with England, and on evidence, there’s not much to separate them. Special mention to Hasbo who managed to send a free header 5 metres over with the goal quite literally gaping. It does make Amalie Vangsgaard’s header from the edge of the penalty box even more spectacular though – she had a host of bodies to clear and significantly further to propel the ball past the desperate dive of Xu Huan. Huan could reasonably claim some offside Danish attackers were interfering with play, but the officials did not agree and China now have an uphill climb to get out of a very competitive group. 

Group E

USA 3 – 0 Vietnam

OK so in fairness, this is ten goals fewer than we all feared but the result is the same. The USA were way too good and Sophia Smith’s double set out her stall as a contestant for the Golden Boot award. Vietnam got one great moment when Tran Thi Kim Thanh saved Alex Morgan’s penalty but the USA are several classes above and, along with Japan and Spain, are putting the rest of the field on notice.

Netherlands 1 – 0 Portugal

Those who sat down to this game with memories of the 3-2 thriller played out between these two in the Euros last year were pretty disappointed. The Netherlands got ahead with Stefanie van der Gragt’s powerful header and should have had a few more – Lineth Beerensteyn was a handful for the Portuguese defence – but they didn’t and that’s all I really have to say about this result. Not a classic.

Group F

France 0 – 0 Jamaica

This result is extremely eyes emoji in two very different ways. France should be a favourite to go deep in this competition but they often struggle with both expectations and team cohesion. In fairness to them, Kadidiatou Diani should have had about four goals from very clear cut chances including one header that hit the crossbar and the post. Can they dust themselves off and get a result out of Brazil? If not, they might be gone before they’ve really got started. But for Jamaica, their fantastic result was tainted by the red card for their star Bunny Shaw who will miss their game against Panama. Now, I want to be clear about what I say next – I am not accusing anyone of conscious bias. But there is emerging scientific evidence that dark-skinned players receive more fouls and cards than light-skinned players from referees. So when Shaw pick up her first yellow for a very marginal 50:50 that was probably a foul but only just and then her second, in the 98th minute for an irrelevant tackle that made marginal contact with Wendy Renard; well. I’ve given you some dots. I think you can join them. 

Brazil 4- 0 Panama

Ary Borges is a delightful name to hear spoken in English accents because it makes you think of some bloke from up north named Harry Bordges. Which is rough on Borges because she became the first hattrick scorer of this World Cup – first from a great header, then pouncing on a rebound save to tuck home. She broke up the sequence with a delightful backheel assist for Bia Zaneratto as part of a flowing Brazilian move which utterly tore Panama apart, and completed her set with another powerful downward header that happened to nutmeg the keeper. Panama weren’t at this game at all really but even so, Brazil look ominous. 

Group G

Sweden 2 – 1 South Africa

Oh we were so close to another great upset! Right after half-time, Thembi Kgatlana absolutely roasted the Swedish backline in a footrace and while Zecira Musovic was able to get two solid hands to Kgatlana’s shot, she could not stop the ball falling into the path of Hildah Magaia who hurled both herself and the ball bodily into the net to score Banyana Banyana’s second ever World Cup goal. But it wasn’t to last. Sweden turned on the class and their pressure eventually told. Wet weather undoubtedly contributed to the confusion that allowed a deep cross to go in off… well someone. Frida Rolfo was credited but that seems dubious to my viewing. Then, with the clock about to go into the red zone, Kosovare Asllani’s corner was nodded in by Amanda Ilestedt. Heartbreak for the South Africans but on that performance, Italy and Argentina should both be worried. 

Italy 1 – 0 Argentina

A pretty nothing game for 80 odd minutes turned on the introduction of Cristiana Girelli – the veteran barged into the box, outmuscling the Argentinian defence to loop a header over the stranded keeper Vanina Correa. Argentina nearly got one back with a Florencia Bonsegundo rocket from a free kick but somehow keeper Durante not only saw it as it burst through a crowd of players at approximately Mach 2, she also got two solid hands to it and palmed it wide. A good start for Italy but this group remains wide open depending on the results in the next round. 

Group H

Germany 6 – 0 Morocco

If you’re gonna take a big scalp as a low ranked tournament debutant there’s a few things you need to do. For example, you need to get off to a good solid start. This might look like your defender not passing the ball directly to Kathrin Hendrich in your own defensive third with less than 10 minutes played, your goalkeeper not running out to try to claim a cross they have absolutely no hope of getting near, and your entire team not leaving Alexandra Popp completely unmarked inside the 6 yard box. Just a hypothetical you understand. Anyway, Popp then took her total goals for Germany to 64 with another header, Buhl added a third right after half-time, two unlucky own goals were four and five and Leah Schüller hooked in the sixth. I don’t think Morocco were actually that bad here, Germany were just irresistible. 

Colombia 2 – 0 South Korea

Why did they schedule this on the same day as the round 2 games kicked off? Honestly. It’s like they’re trying to ruin my day specifically. I take solace from the fact that my day can never be as bad as Korean keeper Yoon Young-geul’s though – normally I’d not blame a keeper for not saving a penalty but Yoon didn’t just telegraph the direction she was going to dive, she also broadcast it via short-wave, announced it in a press conference and sent up clear smoke signals, allowing Catalina Usme to roll the spot kick into the opposite corner. Worse was to come – emerging superstar Linda Caicedo may have shown her talent by weaving and jinking past several Korean defenders but her shot was straight at Yoon who inexplicably seemed to have coated her gloves in industrial lubricant. The ball didn’t so much burst through as wriggle tamely past and into the net. Job done for Colombia who now just need a win against Morocco to seal their passage onwards.

Conclusion

One round (and a bit but hush) down, two more to go. Sadly only a few expectations defied so far in terms of form and none of the debutant nations have even scored a goal – but they’ve all got two more chances to do so and none of these groups are a done deal – keep a weather eye on Norway, Canada and France as nations who are in real danger of underperforming catastrophically. Until next time!

First-ever-World-Cup-Threepeat-ometer: 5 red-white-and-blue fireworks displays out of 10